Recluse vs. Heart

To expand on the last post...

So, I have this slight problem.  I really hate it when other people are hurt.  In my little world, I believe that people should be happy one with another basically all the time.  So, when someone is bothered, depressed, physically hurt, etc... I attempt to do all I can to help this person become happy again.  Doesn't really sound like a  problem, right?

Well, the problem comes in when I am the one doing the hurting.  I don't intentionally hurt others but we all have our blonde moments, our stupidity headliners.  Everyone deals with them and copes.  No one is perfect, right?  My problem is that I have a slight, (more than slight) OCD perfectionism issue.  The only time it comes into play however, is against myself.  Now, I know it is irrational to expect to be perfect, and most of the time I am just fine.  When I hurt someone however, my brain goes into what I like to call specific isolation.

When I go into my isolation state I withdraw completely from the person I hurt.  First, I make amends, working things out as best I can.  Once we are on okay terms, I start to ease away.  Only slightly at the beginning, nothing they really notice.  Then I start doing it more and more quickly.  And before they can blink, I am gone.  Either completely, or set so much further back in the friendship, it is almost impossible to recover.  Whenever I see them though, I still feel like we are the best of friends and act as such.  I just don't expand on certain topics and instead expand on more materialistic or worldly matters, preferring to hide away my true self, guaranteeing I won't hurt them more than superficially ever again.

It is definitely a sad state to be in, but it is how my brain works.  It is almost a purely subconscious reflex, but one that I don't usually argue, as my conscious mind normally agrees with my flight response.

And honestly, I truly believe that they are better off without me.  (That ties into self-confidence issues I refuse to discuss.) It is definitely an idea that is firmly planted in my mind and heart.  A terrible conviction perhaps, but one that is constantly proved true.

Anyways, I hope that helps you understand a slight bit more of what goes on in a stalker's head.

~UCP